Just had to laugh the other night catching sight of the above label in a modest little restaurant in Saint-Germain des Près (there's the Paris link- did you spot it?). At both the pretentions of bottled water producers and the hilarious tripe spouted by wine marketers: an art in itself...
So close your eyes as you sip ecstatically on your fizzy H2O, and revel in its...
"Bulles fines et légères"
- 'light' bubbles, now there's a thing (much prefer them to the heavy ones, personally)
"Nez discret et frais"
- you may not be aware of this, but your water has a nose, otherwise known as a smell. I know you thought water was odourless, but think again. After all, imagine the missed wine-analogous marketing op if they didn't mention it... Rest assured, though, the odour emanating from this particular liquid is 'discrete and fresh', which basically means it doesn't smell after all, with the fresh' bit signifying something like 'cool' in French, which, unless I'm seriously mistaken, comes from putting it in the fridge. (Is that a cloud of deep brown BS I seem to have disturbed at the bottom of the bottle..?)
"Attaque ronde et velouté"
- I'll let the stupidity of this one hang in the air tantalisingly like a particularly 'fine bulle'...
"Bonne longueur en bouche"
- a good length in the mouth. Yep folks, we're deep in the murky waters of that particularly refined strain of marketing bull: oenophileschpeak. And the funny thing is, I think they actually believe it. Oh well, if it helps them justify their regular ethanol fix to themselves and others, so be it. Cheers, and may your throat be deep enough to take it all...
"Effervescence délicate"
- which is another way of saying 'bulles fines et légères'... just how thick do they think we are? Pretty much so by the looks of things.
"Finesse aromatique"
- hmm, weelll, this one has me a bit stumped actually. We've already discussed the aroma, or rather lack of it, above. And now they're trying to convince us once more that this everyday and utterly banal product has yet another enchanting characteristic, which I couldn't translate if you asked me to. But it's got to do with aromas. And finesse. 'Finesse' generally being a euphemism for 'not a lot', as here. So maybe 'doesn't smell of much' would be my best attempt.
"Finale rafraichissante"
- and now, the climax! To what? Err, well, to gulping down a mouthful of water, that's what. And here's the thing - hold on to your hats - it's 'refreshing'. Yes, that's right folks, drinking water refreshes us. Finally. After drinking it. So now you know.
Of course, all our wine-wielding friends will be up in arms over this utter lack of respect being shown towards their harmless little drug habit. But it's water we're talking about here. Water! And whilst I don't really mind its image being polluted with boozy marketing bull (you don't have to buy the stuff - that's what Wallace fountains are for), I reserve the right to write about it, and leave the conclusions up to you.
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© 2011 Sab Will /
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